From Neglect to Overprotection: How Trauma Changes Shape Across Generations

I’ve worked with a wide range of clients, including new parents, professionals, and adult children of aging parents, and I’ve noticed something that comes up again and again: the quiet presence of intergenerational trauma. There isn’t always a dramatic story. Often, it is woven into the everyday fabric of life: a nagging sense of never doing enough, guilt around parenting, and a feeling of helplessness. You may be able to discover it by exploring how your parenting style differs from the way you were parented.

A Shift in Parenting Styles

Then, there are generational cultural shifts in parenting. These are often featured on TikTok or YouTube videos. Many Gen Xers were raised in a world that emphasized independence, emotional stoicism, and self-reliance. We learned early on that tears were inconvenient, and emotions weren’t always welcome. If you came home to an empty house, figured out your own snack or dinner, or were told to “walk it off,” you weren’t alone. That was the cultural norm for a lot of people.

When that generation grew up and became parents, many wanted to do things differently. The pendulum swung toward emotional attunement, constant involvement, and even to a fault – i.e., overprotection. There was a focus on sparing the child from the loneliness and confusion we had experienced growing up. While this shift is well-intentioned, it carries with it another kind of stress.

Overprotection doesn’t always feel like a problem at first. But it can turn into a pressure cooker for both parent and child over time. Parents can be consumed with anxiety as they believe any misstep will cause harm or show they are parental failures. Children, meanwhile, may struggle with autonomy or discomfort that comes from not having the room to figure things out for themselves or to make a mistake and learn from it. So, the stress of parenting that tries to “get it right” all the time can bring overwhelm and guilt to parents and children alike.

New Challenges, Different Wounds

I have an earlier blog called RX - New Moms:  Aim To Become A Good Enough Mother.

Being emotionally tuned in to your child can be deeply healing. But it can also be taken too far, especially when the emotional bar keeps rising. The pressure to be a perfect parent, partner, or professional takes its toll. Some clients tell me they feel like they’re failing even when they’re doing everything “right.”

Others struggle with resentment or confusion around boundaries. Questions like, “Why do I feel guilty when I need time for myself?” or “Why can’t I stop worrying about disappointing people?” are common.

These days, our culture makes it easy to confuse overfunctioning for love and performance for worth. Please note: Trauma doesn’t always come from what went wrong. It can also come from what was missing or an imbalance. For example, with Gen X, that might have been validation and presence, and for their children, it might be space, autonomy, and permission to be imperfect.

And let’s not forget the added layer: Gen X is now often caring for both children and aging parents, becoming the “sandwich generation” caught between two generations and sometimes juggling competing caregiving responsibilities. That juggling act takes an emotional toll, adding further stress.

How EMDR Can Help Unravel the Pattern

I offer dynamic and cognitive psychotherapies, which can help people who are struggling in their lives. I have found EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a most effective tool for treating those who are carrying these subtle but impactful emotional burdens. You don’t need a clear “trauma event” to benefit from EMDR. Sometimes EMDR can address vaguer sensibilities such as being or feeling invisible, dismissed, unimportant, or even confused. It may come from being raised with mixed messages or even something that you can feel was “off”, but cannot name. Sometimes these sorts of attachment issues emerge after addressing other issues in psychotherapy. After all, as children, we have no point of reference or comparison, and it is only as we heal, grow, and transform that we may come to appreciate that more subtle attachment wounding contributed to our situation. While such injuries may be subtle, they are nevertheless quite impactful.

With EMDR, we can access such early imprints often stored or accessed not only by words but also from sensations, our physicality, beliefs, and feelings. A thorough way to heal is to break the link between automatic reactions based on our past that appear to repeat in the present.

You can find more freedom to live and respond more effectively to ongoing stress and enjoy a more vibrant sense of vitality.

‘Sometimes, parts work can be particularly effective as a component of treatment. It allows people to identify and address aspects of themselves that may be in conflict or misaligned, born out of a less optimal way of coping. Finding balance internally often can improve how we operate and allow us to live more fully and find more inner peace.

Clients often report feeling increased confidence or find they are responding differently to their current problems than before, as parts transform.

You Don’t Have to Untangle This Alone

Intergenerational trauma and the orientation of each generation can be confusing because it hides in everyday life. It shows up in parenting, in partnerships, at work, and even in how we talk to ourselves. But you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out. Whether you’re trying to make sense of your upbringing, shift your parenting patterns, or simply feel more grounded in your day-to-day life, therapy can help. Call me at (845) 202-9774 or use my secure contact form to contact me.