Is Shame Getting in the Way of Your Healing?

“I don’t understand why I still feel stuck.”

—I sometimes hear that from clients early on.

These are very thoughtful, self-aware people who are deeply invested in and committed to understanding and healing themselves.

Once therapy work is underway, they often come to realize that they felt stuck not because they weren‘t trying hard enough, but because something quieter was getting in the way. That something is Shame.

What Shame Looks Like in Everyday Life

Shame doesn’t usually announce itself. Rather, it tends to hide. It hides behind habits that look responsible, reasonable, or even admirable. Many people don’t walk around saying to themselves, “I feel ashamed”. Instead, shame often shows up in subtler ways, like a harsh inner voice that says, “You should be over this by now,” or a reflex to minimize pain because others have it worse, or as avoidance, which may even seem logical in some situations.

Shame can also appear as ‘overdrive’, where you push yourself to function and cannot tolerate the notion of slowing down. It can show up more overtly, such as feeling embarrassed about needing help or even worrying that you’re doing therapy “wrong.” These patterns are often mistaken for discipline, conscientiousness, or strength. In reality, they are protective responses that once helped you cope, but have come to no longer serve you.

Shame and the Nervous System

From a trauma perspective, shame is not just an emotion to conceptualize.

Shame is experienced. It is something that registers in our body, even before we have words for it. It often comes with a strong nervous system response. Shame can make it feel unsafe to be seen, known, or vulnerable – even to ourselves.

With such activation, the nervous system can stay guarded or can collapse, even to the point of a shutdown. Curiosity narrows. Vulnerability feels risky. The body prioritizes self-protection over exploration. Healing, however, requires the opposite. Healing depends on safety, presence, open-mindedness or spaciousness, and the ability to remain patiently aware long enough for shifts to take place.

This is one primary way shame can quietly interfere with healing. Even when insight is present, the body won't release its hold on the old coping ways imprinted upon the nervous system until a critical mass of disconfirming experience mounts enough for your body to know it is safe. Then, letting go of old patterns can take place.

Why Understanding Isn’t Always Enough

Many people assume that if they understand their history, healing should follow naturally. This belief seems to make sense, especially for those who value insight and self-reflection. Insight is definitely important, but it is usually not sufficient. With insight only, shame can turn the healing process into a performance, where you feel pressure to say the right things, progress at the right pace, or prove that you’re doing the work correctly.

When healing becomes something you feel you must earn, the nervous system stays under pressure. Instead of softening, it tightens. Instead of integrating, it braces. This can leave people feeling frustrated or discouraged, even after years of effort.

Healing Without Shame

Trauma-informed therapies work differently. Approaches such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), parts work, and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR)—an emerging trauma approach—do not ask you to push past shame or argue with it. Instead, they help the nervous system experience safety first.

When safety increases, many people find that shame begins to loosen on its own. Protective parts no longer have to work as hard. The body begins to update old survival responses that are no longer necessary. Healing becomes less about fixing yourself and more about allowing change to emerge naturally.

A Different Way Forward

Healing is not about proving strength or eliminating vulnerability. It is not a test to pass or a standard to meet. It is about meeting the parts of you that learned to survive under difficult conditions with patience and compassion. Shame may once have served a purpose, but it no longer needs to drive the process.

If this resonates with you, therapy can offer a space where healing does not require performance or perfection. You can move at a pace that respects both your history and your nervous system.

Call me at (845) 202-9774 or reach out through my secure contact form. You don’t have to do this alone.